By Your Side
by guardyanangel
Summary: Allie Caulfield is dead, but that doesn't mean he's not around anymore. One-shot.


**Summary: **Allie Caulfield is dead, but that doesn't mean he's not around anymore. One-shot.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Catcher In The Rye. If I said I did, I'd just be being phony.

**A/N**: I originally wrote this for my English class. The prompt was to write a monologue from a minor character's p.o.v at a pivotal moment in the book. If I feel like it, I may expand this into a multi-fic of the book from Allie's point of view. But for now, it's a nice little one-shot. Hope you enjoy!

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**By Your Side**

**By guardyanangel**

"_Every time I'd get to the end of a block, I'd make believe I was talking to my brother Allie. _

_I'd say to him, _'_Allie don't let me disappear.'"_

_-Holden Caulfield, __Catcher In The Rye__, p.198_

-_Catcher-_

_Allie Caulfield_

Oh, Holden. Nobody can disappear. Not completely. A part of them always stays behind. A part of them's always re_mem_bered.

It's like when you die. Your soul leaves the Earth, but a part of you is always _there._ I mean, you leave your body behind and all that. But people remember you. People _always_ remember you.

Even if you think you're the most unknown person in the world, chances are people know you anyways. They know what you've done and where you've been. And if you disappear, they'll wanna know where you've gone.

Disappearing's kinda like dying, in that way. When you go away and never come back again, it's kinda like you've died and nobody can see you anymore. They mourn you. I see a lot of people do it from up here- disappear, that is. And I've seen the people they've left behind deny it and feel guilty about it and rage about it and plead and weep over it, and then finally, _finally_ accept it. I've seen love and hate, joy and pain, innocence and guilt. There's not much that hides from Heaven, Holden. I know you keep me in your mind as the ever-innocent 11-year-old, but when I was alive I dreamed of growing up, of seeing things. And what's the use of heaven if you can't have dreams come true? That's all heaven is, really. A city of dreams. Dreams of the dead, dreams of the living- they make heaven what it is.

I think that's why there are so many artists up here. Artists and singers and authors- they dream so much that heaven can't wait to have them there to complete the dream. And there's so many poets here, Holden. You can't imagine.

And the best thing about heaven? It's never full…

There's always room, because loads of people who are supposed to be there like to go down to Earth and be near the people who are still alive instead. The live people can't see them, of course, but sometimes they can feel them. I'm walking with you now. Can't you feel me near you?

I know you do. You're asking me not to let you disappear. I won't let you. You can't disappear anyways. Even if a big hole comes and swallows you up, a part of you'd still be around. Because of people's memories. I mean, I know you can't really feel memories and all that, but when it comes to dying, or disappearing, memories become _things_. They become like little particles that come together to form bits of the person that's gone away. But that's all they are- bits. Nothing like the real thing. They aren't whole. That's why it hurts so much, to remember. The whole thing isn't there, and the pieces that are, ache.

That's why you shouldn't just pop off the radar and go West. Phoebs and the family'll miss you. They'd be okay with the bits of you- the memories and all- but it'd still hurt because it's no the whole you. Ma'll think she hears that crazy laugh of yours and turn around, and then remember that you aren't there. Dad'll pick up the phone and think that he's got to talk to one of your teachers (again,) and then he'll recall that you aren't in school, that you haven't been around for a long time. D.B.'ll think to send you a story that he's written and then he'll remember he doesn't know where you are. And Phoebe- dear old Phoebs- well, who's she gonna dance with if you're gone?

I can see you getting all excited now, thinking about disappearing. It's not you getting eaten up by a hole, so you like the idea. But you can't do it, Holden. I told you earlier, I won't let you disappear.

I want you to live your life, Holden. Live your life like I never got the chance to. I know it hurts you to see innocence lost, but sometimes you can't live, can't grow, can't go on, if you don't leave something behind. But you can't go like this. You've gotta look out for the family. They've gotta look out for you. And me? I'm gonna make sure that you don't ever disappear until it's really your time. 'Cause I told myself when I got to heaven that I'd look out for you and the family- just like I used to- so that's what I'm gonna do.

I gotta go and get a message to Phoebs now, Holden. I'll see you again soon. I hope you're happy by then.

And please, be careful.

I love you.

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**A/N**: You like? You don't like? You think I should continue? You think I should bury this story in a pit, never to see the light of day? Please let me know! Hit that review button! :)

Regards,

~Guardy


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